When I first felt the lump when I was 19, I was half asleep. The next morning I checked again and I went into fight or flight mode. I didn’t tell anyone about the lump until I booked an appointment with the GP and a few weeks later I had an ultrasound and a biopsy. The sonographer was quite positive at first but when she started scanning I was looking at her face and she looked shocked, I felt so scared.
I hadn’t known much about breast cancer other than the basic facts I’d seen on social media, only because I had never known it could happen to someone at such a young age until it happened to me. My plan was to get a job, to learn how to drive, to go travelling around Europe with my friends. But then I felt the lump. I tried to be optimistic, thinking it’s probably nothing to worry about and then I was diagnosed. I was basically stuck at home.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, the whole room went silent, and it felt surreal. I felt shocked, angry and confused. Why me? That was the only question running through my mind and I cried my eyes out. The doctor went through what my treatment would be for the next year but I didn’t hear a single word she said because all my mind could focus on was “Why me?”
“There has never been a history of breast cancer in my family, so I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. I was convinced the doctor had the wrong patient file.”
One of the emotions that I felt throughout my treatment was denial. I didn’t want to go through with it. I didn’t want to suffer the side effects of chemotherapy, immunotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy, not just in the moment but also in the future. And even though people were telling me my reasoning was wrong and that I should go through with it to ‘heal’ me, I knew deep-down that I had every right to feel the way I did.
When I started my treatment I didn’t think I’d reach the end stage that I’m at now. My mental health went down the drain and because there was no history of breast cancer in my family, or cancer in general, I didn’t know who to talk to. When I was at the hospital, people were 35-40, no one was my age, and so no one really understood what I was going through. When I’d go to the breast clinic with my mum, they’d be shocked when they’d call my name and I’d stand up, they thought she was the patient. It felt isolating and it reminded me of my situation because it’s more expected for women who are older to have breast cancer.
“No one knew how I was feeling, as much as my parents tried, they couldn’t really know how much it was affecting me.”
When I was first diagnosed it was my parents who came with me to hospital appointments before my treatment started, but I preferred my brother coming to chemo appointments with me. He’s only 3 years older, so when I had something on my mind he would understand where I was coming from. My parents would think of my feelings from a parents point of view, whereas he’d see it as a brother, or a friend.
Before cancer, I was very shy and closed off to trying new things. I didn’t like stepping out of my comfort zone. But after cancer, I’ve had to be bolder. I hate calling people but I’ve had to ring doctors. I used to dress in baggy clothes and now I think, you only have one life, dress how you want. I always wanted to get a nose piercing but I never did because I was scared of the pain but then I got used to needles, so I got one. I think I’ve become more of an extrovert in a way and if I could go back in time, I’d tell my pre-cancer self to do the things I was scared of, stop being shy and have some confidence in myself. Breast cancer can happen to young girls, I was only 19 when I got diagnosed. If you think there is something to fight for, fight for it.
You can get breast cancer at any age. Whatever you feel, feel your chest. Check out more from our Feelings campaign below.
